A Light Note to End 2010

I have the mouth of a sailor - or trucker - take your pick. Apparently that needs to change or I'll have a foul-mouthed little boy running around here in no time flat. To "encourage" a change in vocabulary, there is talk of a Swear Jar entering our home. What the $%^&?!?!? Rumor has it that the f-bomb will cost me $5 per use. I think that's a bit steep. On the up side, we'll be able to send Caleb to college with that money, no problem. By age 3.

I've been pretty good around the nieces and nephews over the years. Only lately have I let it relax - and only around the older ones. A few years ago, I had two of them with me and apparently let a word slip that I didn't even realize had passed my lips. My nephew said "Auntie! You said the "c" word!" I was shocked, mortified, embarrassed - but confused. I don't even use the "c" word! So after running the past few statements through my memory, I said "I don't think so!" to which he replied "Uh huh... you said c-r-a-p."

Oh, that "c" word.

My Heart Aches

I found out last night that the absolutely funniest blogger I've ever read experienced a loss and it hit me profoundly. Personally. Indulge me in the CliffsNotes version, if you will:

Jen writes a blog about her own infertility experiences and parenting. It's not a funny subject, but her sense of humor overwhelms and takes you on the journey with her. Her language is R-rated (probably why I love her so much); her twist on the English language is hilarious.

She and her husband have an almost-2-year old little girl and her latest pregnancy? Twins! Girls! ... with a condition that made one baby larger than the other - something to do with blood supply although not thought to be Twin to Twin Transfusion syndrome. Jen affectionately called the larger baby "Hog Baby" and the other "Itty Bitty Baby."

Anyway... they delivered the girls last night at 32 weeks via c-section. Their names: Ainsley (Itty Bitty) and Evelyn (Hog Baby). It seems while the worries were mostly about Ainsley being big enough to survive, Evelyn, Hog Baby, had issues and became an angel last night. She didn't make it. And I'm just heartbroken for them at what should be the most joyous of occasions.

This, as with any loss I hear about lately, escalates my existing-yet-suppressed doubts and fears. No, it's not all about me, but I can't help but feel this "what if" kind of sharp pain. It stabs me in the chest then stomps on my brain for days. My heart aches for Jen and her family.

Jen's blog is at www.jennepper.com and is called "Maybe If You Just Relax."

Why I love California

Southern California has always been home and I am grateful for that. Here is why I love California:

• Great weather
• Beaches, mountains, views and scenery
• Big cities like Los Angeles and San Diego
• Small-town feeling cities like Santa Barbara and Ojai
• Cities that feel somewhere in the middle... like Ventura
• Amusement parks
• Shopping galore
• Bike trails, hiking trails, dog parks and parks, parks, parks
• Crazy people (think Venice Beach)
• Year-round growing, family farms, and fruit stands
• Pacific Coast Highway
• Palm Springs and San Diego weekends
• California Paid Family Leave << where are the blinking lights for this one??

Yes! That is my newest reason for loving our beautiful (and broke, but I don't care right now because I am going to take full advantage of a benefit that I'm entitled to, dammit) state!!

I had no idea I was entitled to any sort of paid leave since I won't be out on a pregnancy/medical leave and was anticipating using my PTO for 6ish weeks once Caleb makes his debut. Of course I wanted to take a longer leave, but unpaid leave is not an option for us. But now that I can have some paid time and use my PTO to supplement my wages, I will be able to take more time. Even better, in CA I don't have to take it in one chunk. So I could have one 12 week leave, or two 6-week leaves, or perhaps even break the latter 6 week leave down to 2 week chunks. So much to consider; not exactly sure what works best for us as of now. But yahooooo, I have options and I am loving CA even more today!

We also need to see about Paul's ability to take some sort of leave in the future. He'll need some bonding time, too!

For anyone else wondering about CA leave laws for parents and/or pregnancy, I found this summary very helpful:

http://www.paidfamilyleave.org/pdf/FiveKeyLawsPoster.pdf

Merry Christmas!

If I could pick the perfect Christmas day, this was it. First, we slept in until almost 10. Then, we pretty much stayed in sweats all day and worked on the baby's room (tick tock - only 50 days until we hit the due date!). We didn't have to go anywhere and didn't have to do anything. No expectations. Perfection!

Our original plan was to put the crib together today, but my awesome and anxious husband conquered that one during the week. Today turned into wall decal day. It boggles my mind how much giant stickers can change the whole feel of the room. Anyway, I'll "tell" the rest of the decal story with lots-o-pictures. I think the transformation is pretty cool:

The big elephant in the room (not the rust colored one above, a different kind) is the queen bed that I tried to avoid in pics. We're going to keep it in there for a while since we don't have a guest room right now, but need to somehow incorporate it. We have a good start and I'll post pics when it's done. In the next few days we're going to get a new fan and a couple of floating shelves to put above the elephant for extra storage/display space. Also on the to-do list is getting the bedding made to include the crib skirt, bumper and valance. My mom is coming over for a few nights in January and will set up shop in the room to sew it all.

I'm so excited we're this far along - it happened so fast! Paul was definitely on Santa's "good" list today :) Merry Christmas!!

Emotional Roller Coaster

We've just exited an overwhelming and exhausting couple of weeks. The ups and downs, the range of emotions, the energy expended... too much. There was a lot of excitement and stress at the beginning of December. Paul was nearing the end of school and had a few research papers due. It totally stressed me out... might as well have been me doing them! Then I adopted his cold, but what was a fairly normal cold for him turned into icky bronchitis for me. And it hurt. Like really, really hurt. Typically when I get it (sad that I can say 'typically'), I sound awful but it's not painful. This time, I could actually feel that my lung capacity was not what it should be and it completely compressed my chest with each breath and seal-like cough. But the sad kicker in the last couple of weeks is that Paul's dad died on Friday, December 10th, the same day Paul completed his Bachelor's degree in Urban Planning with an emphasis in Environmental Planning and Sustainability. The very same day.

Paul and his dad did not have a close relationship, but there is something about this event that may be even sadder than the actual passing of this man. The dream - the thought - that someday perhaps they could have a decent relationship (or any relationship) completely died with his father. The extended dream that our child could know another one of his grandparents also died that day. Truly tragic.

I am anxiously awaiting 2011. Let's fast forward to the end of this year and be done with it!

"You Won't Get Any Sleep"

I know people are trying to be helpful in letting me know what to expect - kind of like a rite of passage I suppose. But those same people will also tell you "it's indescribable" (the change from no kids to having one). So I have a suggestion: please let me experience all those things that you're not able to adequately describe. That way, I can save you the grief of having to come up with words (that once again, don't do it justice) and you can save me the dentist bill from grinding my teeth together, okay?

Along the same lines, and actually what got me thinking about this topic, is hearing people tell Paul how his life is going to change. He raised his oldest (step-)daughter from nearly 3 years old onward, and his bio-daughter from birth. I know things change (after all, he was surprised at the whole wipe warmer thing), but I feel like he gets his "Dad" wings clipped every time someone tells him what to expect. HE KNOWS. This isn't his first time around the fussy-baby-poopy-pants block.

Headaches bring out the best posts, don't they? Waaaaahahahhahaha!!

"Born via Surrogate"

So I'm reading my normal trashy celebrity "news" on Yahoo's OMG tonight - just minding my own business - when I click on the link to an article about Sarah Jessica Parker. I really liked her in everything Sex in the City and know I'm in the minority, but hey, we've all got things we don't admit in public.

ANYWAY!

I'm reading the piece when this jumps out at me: "Parker and her husband Matthew Broderick are parents to a son, James Wilkie, 8, and twin girls, Marion Loretta ("Kitty") and Tabitha Hodge ("Babe"), who were born via surrogate in June 2009."

I think the whole world knows those girls were born via a surrogate. Why do they always make it part of their identity and put it in the articles?! Gee thanks, Yahoo, for putting a new "I wonder if" thought in my head!

Now I am wondering if every time I mention my child, if someone (hopefully in their head) will say "born via surrogate" or if every time someone else mentions my child, they will say "Caleb, born via surrogate."

I realize I'm no SJP and that their use of a surrogate to have their girls was highly publicized. I also know we have no shame or feeling "less than" for needing a surrogate's help ourselves. But seriously?! Can't the kids be label-less and just be [insert name here], rather than [insert name here], born via surrogate?

Baby's Room: The Pieces

Here are the components of Caleb's room so far. I'll post some pics of the final product when it's done, too.

Let's start with the crib. We like this one because it converts to a full-size bed (like almost all cribs being sold today), it has a solid back (would make a better headboard later I think), has a bit of visual interest in the front with that little dip, and has straight legs and the least amount of surfaces - among cribs we researched - to collect dust:

The dresser. This was such an easy buy. Although not from the same retailer as the crib, the color is complementary, the legs are straight, and it is a very simple design. We're going to use the top as the changing table and we'll replace the knobs, for now, with the jungle knobs in the picture below the dresser pic:

I found this kick-ass designer on Etsy (called DesignedDESIGNER for anyone who's interested) who does wall decals. This is the one we're using, although we're changing the colors just a bit to be a little closer to the fabric colors. It's not all one piece, so we could put the tree on one wall, an animal on another, etc. It all depends where the furniture will go, so its final wall destination is still a mystery to me:

And finally, here are the fabrics we're using. My mom is going to create all sorts of things - among which include the crib/bed skirt, a bumper that we'll use later on, a valance, and some pillowcases we'll use on the queen bed that will stay in the room for now:

I really like this stuff. Paul still may add a little 3D art to the room, but for the most part, we've figured it out. It's not a designer nursery that you'd see on some fancy HGTV show, but we agreed on everything and it seems like a room that will 'fit' in our home. It's a room a little boy can play in and be comfortable in - not one that has showpieces or furniture that I'd be irritated if it were to be scratched. I see lots of good times and fun play in this room's future!

The Text that Sparked Excitement and Anxiety (the good kind)

I was sitting here at my desk today freshly off an IM session with my co-worker - still smiling from our silly banter - when I get a text message on my cell phone. It was from T. All it said was "Only 74 more days." I was all excited thinking about how fast we've gotten to this point! I swear we just did the contracts a little bit ago - or even just saw the first little shrimp shaped embryo on an early ultrasound. It was so exciting to think about it being only 74 days away! Mid-smile I also started feeling that now-familiar feeling of being overwhelmed... like knowing that we have to start (and hopefully finish) the baby's room. Like figuring out just what we need to pack for the trip. Like worrying that the pre-birth order legal work isn't going fast enough. Like wondering about my leave of absence from work. Surely everything will fall into place. I do really well with checklists, so I think tonight I will start writing out the to-do lists. Paul is just going to love this! (yes, extreme sarcasm)

An Early Start on Thanksgiving

There is so much to be thankful for that I wanted to get a jump start on it this year.

I am so thankful for my husband. Paul and I are cooking our first Thanksgiving Day meal together this year. I cooked a turkey a few years ago and it just sucked, and Paul has never cooked one. This should be interesting! We're going to brine it and do it the Alton Brown/Good Eats/Food TV guy way, so if it's good, we'll take credit; if it's bad, we'll tell everyone that Alton sucks ;-)

Not only are we doing the turkey, we're making twice baked butternut squash/potatoes, a stuffing that's done in the crockpot, non-dairy green bean casserole, and we are smart enough to buy rolls from the best bread place (Great Harvest Bread Company - I think it's a national chain?), and Costco cranberry sauce. Thasalotta food for five people! Ooops - and I can't forget the two desserts my mom is bringing - a cranberry meringue pie and something apple-y and cobbler-y. Yum. I won't need the tryptophan to be tired after this meal.

The take-away here: I am so grateful to experience new (maybe even good tasting?!) things with Paul. Having someone to share the good and bad things with, the ups and downs with, makes life so much sweeter. I am thankful everyday that we found each other.

I am so thankful for my family and friends. I hate to lump everyone together in one category because there are definitely specific things I can speak to about most. Maybe I'll try to conquer this broad group of people over the next couple of days.

I am also so thankful for T and her family. I've known the entire journey that surrogacy is something that affects more than just the surrogate, but the events of this past weekend leave me feeling even more grateful for the comfort and encouragement she gets from her support system. It must be so scary to see your wife/friend/mom in the hospital and it just makes me think about how much they endure in a journey's lifecycle. For all of this, I am thankful.

My puppies bring me more joy and more frustration than anything else in my life. I have created needy little monsters! Actually, I lump the two of them together, but honestly Starr baby is the best dog ever. I would clone her in a heartbeat. But that little Coco is a troublemaker, messmaker, and stress-causer. I can't complain about when they snuggle, or take naps though.

I am thankful that even though they cause a bit of frustration, they bring so much joy to my life!

The Almost All-Clear

The update in a nutshell:

T went from the Emergency Room to Labor and Delivery last night so they could monitor the baby. Everything seemed to be fine with both of them, although T has some muscle aches today from shivering so much at the onset of all of this.

She is now out of the hospital and feeling ok. Her job today is to relax and supervise her husband while he helps a friend move and get set up in the friend's new apartment.

THANK GOD!! We were so worried about her and Caleb.

If I look at this situation as a training exercize, I completely failed. When I learned she was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital, I froze. Literally froze. Paul said he had a million scenarios running through his head. I had none. I just sat there completely still with tears forming in my eyes, but no instincts took over.

I look back at how my mom and dad handled emergencies when I was a kid. The one that specifically comes to mind is when I broke my wrist. My mom took me to the hospital and between the doctors and my dad (who met us there), they had everything under control. I don't remember anything but my mom being as solid as a rock. The story I rememeber from after the fact is that she lost it AFTER everything was under control, but I don't remember that/maybe didn't see that. She made sure I was taken care of before her fear showed through. That's exactly the way I want to be. Maybe it just takes practice. I was thinking that maybe it comes with being a parent, but I know parents who freak out in front of their kids so that theory is blown to hell!

I cannot write something clever, witty or entertaining right now. I can only assure you that this was the scariest moment to date.

So Scared

T's husband called tonight around 8 p.m. and said T was en route to the hospital via ambulance. At that moment, he just said she'd had a big drop in temperature and that he'd call with more information as they knew more. On another call about 45 minutes later he said they'd arrived at the hospital, her temp in the ambulance was recorded at 94 degrees, her temp in the ER was 101, that her hands and feet were freezing while out at dinner yet her head was super hot, and that she didn't have any abdominal cramping. A text message a bit later said she was on her way up to labor and delivery for monitoring.

We don't know anything more right now and we are so scared... praying that T and little Caleb Ian are ok. This was supposed to be a good day. We finally did the baby registry after so much hemming and hawing. Did we jinx something by showing our happiness outwardly? It's nearly 1 a.m. and I am spinning in circles. My hands are shaking as I type this. I am so scared right now and my eyes and head are both tired from crying.

Babies are Falling from the Sky! - aka, Baby Showers!

"Hello! We're having a baby, please give us gifts."

Since I myself am not pregnant, I believe I can safely say this is the most uncomfortable part of the whole experience to date. It brings back PTSD memories of why I didn't want to tell people we were getting married because I didn't want a bridal shower. The attention placed upon the person of honor at these types of events is unnerving to me. Thankfully, my dear friends have put my mind to ease and told me a baby shower will have absolutely nothing to do with me. {sighhhhhhhhh} Unlike a bridal shower, where of course the bride is the center of attention, this one is about a little dude who has yet to make an appearance. There were many, many weeks in between oh.hell.no and ugh.i.don't.know and this.will.be.fun!

There is a lot to celebrate - plenty to be thankful for.

3D Ultrasound Coolness

Nothing much to say, other than we've confirmed for the second time he's a boy and there's only one baby in there! (My friends Cindi and Phil and the people who know their story are probably snickering right now...)

Here he is:

Most people who do 3D ultrasounds don't do them until 30+ weeks, but since T was in SoCal, we decided to do one last Friday - just 2 days shy of 26 weeks. He is just starting to fill out but he's already got some pinchable cheeks and 2" feet :)

Houston, We Have a Name!

This whole baby naming thing is serious business! I mean, we're basically setting the stage for a lifetime. We didn't want it to be a here-today-gone-tomorrow moniker, didn't want it to sound like a name of yesteryear, but also didn't want it to be a top 10 everyone-has-it kind of name. Still on the "didn't want" list... something too juvenile or silly for an adult male.

I'll shorten the wait... this l'il guy will be named:

Caleb Ian

Here are the facts:

Caleb - Arabic origin meaning bold, brave

Ian - Irish origin meaning "God's gracious gift"

Iterations we seriously considered included Ian Kenneth (my grandpa and Paul's foster grandpa was/is Kenneth), Caleb Kenneth and Caleb Bryce.

If Caleb were a girl, his name would have been Lila Colbie. Incidentally, I had Lilah picked out for a girl's name years ago, and Paul's grandma's name is Lila (no "h" at the end)... so that was a no-brainer for us.

We were pretty sure Ian would be mispronounced by too many as "Eye-An" - and after a life of "Joan" instead of "Jo-Ann" for me, I don't want my kid to have to correct people so often. (Side rant: nobody else in my family has that problem! Who mispronounces Jay, Judy, Karen, or Daniel??!)

It was also thought that Ian would certainly become "peein' Ian" at some point on the playground, so we tried to stay away from that. On the other hand, Caleb could become "Gay-leb", but with all the popular Aiden ("Gay-den") and Kaiden (again, "Gay-den") names right now, maybe that'll just be too common to be funny.

We've yelled it several times in the house to make sure it flows when he's in trouble. Sounds good when we're fake mad!

Finally, if you say his first and middle name scrunched together, it sounds like a drunk person saying Caribbean. Try it :)

Stupid Sayings

I really don't like that whole "things happen for a reason" saying. Yes, yes, yes, it's all part of a bigger plan that I am too pea-minded to understand and too much a simpleton to possibly grasp.

"It was [or wasn't] meant to be." Profound. Not.

To people who say "just relax": please provide your script to me for the Xanax, Percocet or Valium you're taking. When you take the good stuff, you must share.

Alas, I've actually heard these exact and most annoying phrases leaping from my own mouth. I try to push the words back in as I realize they're making their debut... but my foot follows too slowly. I hate that!

Where did October go?

We are officially 24 weeks today! How did we get this far so fast? Where did October go? Rhetorical question since I know where it went: I dedicated the month to my job, of course. Work has been hellish busy and stressful lately, and I can't help but think how different my schedule - my availability - will be after the baby is here. There will be no 12-16 hour days on a regular basis.

Sorry, Job. I know I set a kid-less precedent for 11 years. I put in lots of time, worked crazy hours, and did pretty much anything you asked of me. Now, it's time for me to move on to bigger and better things. I hope you support me in my big transition like I've supported you for the last decade!

Thinking Baby's Room

Let me start by saying Paul is the artistic (not autistic - that's me and an entirely different non-existent blog) one in our marriage. I like crafting, but wouldn't call myself particularly artsy. So when talking about the baby's room (that is now his office and our storage room/guest room) this afternoon's banter went something like:

Me: Have you thought more about what you want to do in the nursery?
Him: Yes
Me: Willing to share?
Him: I was thinking about a 3D design with a supporting mural (not his words, but that was the idea)
Me: 3D huh?
Him: [explains things that are more than just paint on the wall]
Me: So you would do the building and enlist my mom's help for some sewing? Hmmm. That sounds interesting honey. [<<< that's me being supportive!]
Him: It would be totally easy
Me: [laughing on the inside, thinking about Tim Allen's character on Home Improvement, knowing he'll certainly go above and beyond] Ok. Hey, just wondering, who will dust it?
Him: What?
Me: Yeah, 3D stuff sticks out so it will inevitably collect dust. I was just wondering who was going to clean it.
Him: [funny cute smile that said "Hey, I'm just thinking about making this room bad-ass. That's a different problem entirely!"] Ummmmmmm....

I can't wait for mid-December to be here. Paul will be done with school and we can start working on the room. I'm not even sure I want to decorate the house inside or out for Christmas... seems like that will take precious time away from our time to focus on getting ready for Baby. After all, I'll be leaving for Northern CA in the beginning of February and he'll be following shortly after so we'll only have 6-7 weeks to pull it all together. Plenty of time if you don't factor in Christmas and New Year's crappola. Excited nonetheless!

I Hope It's A...

I was reading the news this morning and saw that some famous person is pregnant with her second child. I got to the part where she said "I hope it's a girl this time" and just stopped reading. Does anyone understand how heavy that falls on the ears of people who are just hoping for a healthy baby, regardless of gender? I get it, you want a boy and a girl. Be happy with what you're lucky enough to have and stop whining - at least within my earshot.

Milestones

As in any journey, there are many milestones in surrogacy. There's the day I started corresponding with our potential surrogate... the day we first spoke on the phone... the day we met her and her family... the day we considered ourselves matched and she became our surrogate instead of our potential surrogate. On the medical front, there are more milestones... her phone screening with our doctor, meeting him is person, medical exams, bloodwork, and psychological screening. Then there's the legal front... contract drafted, reviewed, modified and signed. Another major milestone - the date of embryo transfer. That sets off a chain of yet more events: positive pregnancy test, ultrasound for sac placement, ultrasound for heartbeat, and eventually getting to and past the first trimester. The last milestone for us was the big ultrasound at which we found out we're having a boy. That's a lot of progress marks along the way!

Today marks a major milestone in this pregnancy: we are starting our 20th week today - 20 weeks down, 20 to go. Time is playing a trick on me! Part of me thinks "we're already at 20 weeks?! how'd we get this far??" This is the part of me that is wondering how we'll get everything done that needs to be done in the 6-8 weeks between Paul finishing school and the baby's arrival. Oh yeah - and Christmas/New Year is in that same 6-8 weeks, so I'm pretty sure it's not going to be alllll baby. The other part of me thinks "we're only at 20 weeks? how can I speed this up?!" This is the impatient part of me... and if you ask Paul, that's a BIG part of me :) I just cannot wait to see him and meet him, even though he's a nameless little boy at this point. Naming him... perhaps that will be the next milestone.

Go Blue

... and I'm not talking about the Dodgers. It's a boy! We found out at the big ultrasound last Friday where the technician took a bazillion measurements and said he looked great and weighed approximately 7 to 8 ounces at this point. It was a completely emotional and surreal experience. With every day that passes, I think about our new reality. A boy!

It was a whirlwind weekend that began after Paul's class ended at 4:45 p.m. He wanted to miss the class altogether so we could leave earlier, but that wasn't an option. We hit the road immediately after he was done which was just in time for rush hour on Interstate 5. Good thing it was a Thursday because we weren't stuck in traffic for too long (LA traffic doesn't always suck... remember that!). Going up the 5 through CA is a stinky and boring trip. Stinky because of the beef ranches (hello, slaughterhouse) and boring (lots of farms and a few prisons - not much else). It took us 8 hours to get to Chico and checked into the hotel at 1 a.m. knowing the ultrasound appointment was for 8:45 a.m. - which meant getting up at 7:15 so we could both shower and get ready. Ugh! I know we'll get little to no sleep with the baby, but honestly, I'm good without "practice." Whoever thinks you need to practice sleep deprivation must be sleep deprived.

ANYWAY... we got to the scanning place, they took us back to the room, and they had a monitor for us to watch that was separate from the tech's screen. It was AMAZING! T and Paul pretty much knew what they were looking at. I could figure out the obvious parts (bent leg, thumbs up). The scale was just off though... first we'd be looking at the length of the spine from head to butt, then it'd be zoomed in on something. She measured lots of things and gave us the highlights... including gender (she'd asked us at the beginning if we wanted to know). She freezes a screen and asks "so what is it?" Paul and T say at the same time "it's a boy!" I'm still sitting there like "are we still looking at the leg or thumb or something?" I had a private ultrasound tutoring session afterwards with the still pictures the tech printed for us. Yes, now I can see... it's a boy!

The rest of the weekend went just as fast as it started. After the ultrasound on Friday, we went to T's house and played a couple games, met their oldest daughter (she'd been at her mom's the last time we were there), went out to dinner, then went back to the hotel so the kids could swim. Paul had to stay in the room and do homework... bummer. The next morning, we got up early to see a soccer game, check out some RV parks that I'll be staying at with Mom and Bill in February while we wait for the baby, and have a brunchy/lunch. We ended up leaving NorCal early afternoon and checking out another couple RV parks on the way south and then settled in for the 8 hour ride home. Oh wait... something memorable for Paul that I have to document here: we saw a Ghiradelli Chocolate OUTLET store and ice cream shop on the way up, so we had to stop there on the way back home. It's in the southern end of Modesto right on the 5. 'Twas chocolate heaven! We made it home by 11, got up the next morning to get the dogs from my Mom and Bill, came home so Paul could pack for a business trip, then took him to the airport. There was no 'down time' this past weekend... but who cares. We're having a healthy baby in February. And it's a boy.

The shot that proves it's a boy!

This pic is too cool - the spine! (head in lower right)

The leg, all bent and comfy!



Footprint :)



The Most Reassuring Sound

The heartbeat is the most reassuring sound ever. I heard it for the first time this past Monday over the phone at T's regular OB visit. It was strong and fast and I was amazed - even a bit overwhelmed by the emotion. Later that day, she returned home to find the doppler had been delivered to her house... so of course she had to try that out too. She heard that same wonderful, strong pounding and called me so I could hear again, too. Of course the peanut didn't cooperate and made finding the heartbeat tough, so I talked with T's middle daughter to pass some time while her mom focused on getting the heartbeat audible again. After a few unsuccessful minutes, T told her daughter to tell me that they would call me back... and this is how it came out on the phone: "Mom can't find a heartbeat so we'll call you back." I wasn't worried since I'd heard it earlier in the day, but those are words you don't ever want to hear under normal circumstances. I have to admit, it was pretty humorous in that situation!

Fast forward a few hours... Paul got home from work and I asked him if he wanted to hear the heartbeat. Of course he did so we called T. She got the thing all hooked up and he heard it for the first time (I, of course, at this point was an old pro since I'd heard it twice before). He was ecstatic! All the little pieces add up to make it more real each day, but add the thumping of a baby's heart to the picture and it became super real, super fast.

Again, last night, T used the doppler. She recorded and uploaded it to YouTube so we could hear it... and as of now, there have been 9 views and I'm pretty sure they're all from me playing and replaying it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hu11uRPaKlo

Once I figure out how to save the file as an MP3, I'll post it here.

Seeing Beyond February

I think I've relaxed a little bit when it comes to believing we have a child on the way. Less-than-perfect thoughts still float through my head now and then... "what if" kind of things... but all in all, I think my actions indicate an overall positive feeling. Indications like:

• I'm actively recruiting my mom and Bill's help going up to NorCal with their fifth wheel a couple weeks before the baby is due. That way, I'll have a place to live/work while being close by to help T and her family with anything they need. As a sidenote, they haven't said 'yes' but DID look at a couple of RV parks near T on their way back home from Alaska :)

• My nephew and I were hanging out this weekend and went to a department store and tried out all of the travel systems. He is a fairly understated kid and even he was into it! We tried to figure out which carriers were lightest/most comfortable (without looking at Consumer Reports to see if they're safe - how's that for living on the edge?!), which strollers could manuever best, and which colors were cutest. We also looked at a dozen or so cribs and talked about why some styles/colors would be better than others. Mind you, the nephew is 11 and into reading and computers... please understand my shock that he'd even entertain the idea of looking at baby stuff, much less be "into" it!

• Baby names! We have a winner for a girl's name (no reveal here - at least for now), but a list of disjointed boy's names that could be first/middle name combinations. Seems much harder for boys for some reason. I did find this really cool site that graphs baby names over the years. It's semi-interactive and I've played around with it for hours: http://www.babynamewizard.com/voyager. Check out your own name on this site - you'll see if it peaked and fizzled (like mine - peaked in 1930 and fizzled in the 80s) or if it's still going strong.

I am very excited for T's appt tomorrow. We're hoping I'll be able to be on the phone while she's at her OB appointment... I'm crossing my fingers!

More pics!

These are from the 12w5d nuchal scan:

Head shot

Body shot

Just perfect :)

Quick Size Update

So... I've posted some size comparisons along the way, mostly for me :)  We've gone from the size of a poppy seed at week 5 to the size of a plum in our current week 12. Next week, the baby will be the size of a peach. A PEACH!

I found a great site that will help me track how big the baby is each week: http://pregnant.thebump.com/pregnancy/pregnancy-tools/articles/how-big-is-baby.aspx

It's now at the top of my favorites!

Let the Countdown Begin

Originally we were going to wait until the 1/2 way point to tell anyone we're expecting, but that just seems completely pessimistic. In all of my reading of websites and blogs, nobody waits until 20 weeks to share the good news - even in the IVF and surrogacy worlds. So as we end the first trimester this week and start the second on Monday, we are preparing for THE announcement. This weekend we'll focus on our families and go from there.

I'm not actually sure what to expect from people since I'm fairly sure most aren't schooled in surrogacy. T says the first thing many people ask her is "how much money do you make being a surrogate?" Not that anyone has ever asked me what I make at my job, but it does remind me of a tactic to use when people ask personal questions that you don't want to answer:

Person: [none-of-your-business question asked]
Me: When was the last time you had a herpes test?
Person: What? Excuse me?
Me: Oh, my bad! I thought we were asking questions of one another that are none of our business!

[And, for the record, see how I've matured since responding to the "old mom" comments from my earlier post?]

I expect most people will be supportive and happy that we're starting our family together, period. I am, however, a bit curious as to what a few loose cannons will say; I do know a few people who struggle with kindness, compassion and common sense.

A Whirlwind Visit

Ohmygoodness the last 5 days are kind of a blur. T, her daughters (8 and 9) and their two dogs came to So Cal for a visit to escape the heat of Nor Cal.

We:

• Went to a paint-your-own ceramics place and painted a frog, kitty bank, little cup and pot
• Saw Despicable Me (all but hubby) on one day, Ramona and Beezus (girls and me) and Inception (Paul and T) another day
• Visited the Santa Barbara Zoo where we rode the train and fed some animals

Giraffes - T's favorite animal



The gorilla dogging me after I took a picture of him peeing.
I didn't realize his level of modesty until I saw him staring at me. 
Paul said I'm lucky he didn't throw poop on me. Ick! 

• Sampled the goods at Whodidily - complete cupcake yumminess in Montecito

• Relaxed, played in the ocean and made sandcastles at the beach in Ventura

We got there early and created our own cabana



Kid #1's castle, assisted by Paul



Kid #2's castle, assisted by Mom

• Did a tiny (as in super small pieces) 1000 piece puzzle
• Ate in, ate out, and ate ate ate
• Went maternity clothes shopping
• Played the Wii, constructed a mastermind marble maze, colored, and discovered the pirate ship and every other toy in the office closet

So as you can tell, there was not a lot of idle time but we all had a lot of fun. To make up for that, I took a "nap" today from 5:30 p.m. 'til 11 p.m. and now I'm gonna be up all night. I hate when I do that!

Crazy Costco Thoughts

Welcome to Fear Week on Karma Baby! I believed I was done with irrational (or rational but manageable) thoughts after the whole Old Mom thing, at least for now, but one struck me as I toured the aisles of Costco this afternoon. I have absolutely no idea why I was thinking of this at all, much less in between the frozen chicken and steel cut oats during peak hustle and bustle time, but I did.

Do you think someone would have the nerve to say that I'm *lucky* that I don't/didn't have to experience morning sickness, a baby's foot in my rib cage or frequent urination? (Totally aside, I have a bladder the size of an ant, so I pee frequently without being pregnant SO THERE!) You know the people I'm talking about - the ones who will inevitably feel sorry for me that I cannot carry a child and try to say something comforting. God help anyone who says that, because by the time I rounded the corner with giant boxes of Rice Krispie Treats (54 in a box, and yes I got some that should last 6 weeks but will only last 3 or 4 weeks at most) I had a slew of responses that were better than my "old mom" comebacks. They all pretty much end with "I'd give anything in the world to carry my own baby, including morning sickness, not being able to sleep because I'm so uncomfortable and weight gain." Now, it could go in two different directions from here:

Direction A: if a woman who has given birth before (I think this would be the major offending group, mind you) I would ask how long it took them to shed the 95 pounds they put on while pregnant. If they got all upset at the magical 95 number, I would offer my apology and tell them I'm glad it was only 50 'cause it looked like much more! I think they'd be distracted with my rudeness and even forget they told me how *lucky* I was to not carry the baby.

Directon B: Please let me preface this with the following. I am completely ok with not carrying the baby. I do not feel like less of a woman and I will not feel like less of a mom. I am so lucky that T involves me as much as we can being 8 hours apart... she calls, shares everything, we see each other when possible, and both Paul and I feel very much a part of the pregnancy. So when I joke like this, it's only because I can. Ok, Direction B: immediately start crying (I have an actor-like ability to do this and it freaks Paul out to no end! I love doing it at awkward moments... LOL!!!). I will tell the offender that I thought I had dealt with the emotions but that they have opened a wound that may never close. I will use my God-given gift of gab to occupy them for more time than they would have ever wanted to talk about that subject and any other subject I can think of.

All in a day's shopping. Thanks, Costco, for the inspiration!

The Editor Cleaned Up

Nobody in my family knows about this blog... yet... but I anticipate they will soon as we start to announce the good news. I realize I use words, more particularly A WORD (perhaps starting with the letter "f"), that my mother does not approve of... and therefore, out of respect for her - perhaps even to the detriment of the sentiment - I've edited the post I wrote earlier today to at least not spell out the word. See Mom? You learned me good :) hahaha

An Old Mom

I've been thinking about this topic for a long, long time. It bothers me and I never really anticipated blogging about it because it's not the sunshine and roses part of becoming a mom. I'll just say it: I'm going to be an old mom. I'm seriously hoping that the at-times-all-consuming thought will disappear into the background once the baby is here. I know plenty of people have kids in their late 30s and even into their 40s - but I never strived to be one of them! I'm 38 now and will be 39 when the kid gets here - Paul will be 40 (yet also has a 23 year old non-bio daughter and a 15 year old bio daughter from his first marriage). Being a mom was one of those things I was supposed to check off my list around age 30. That was a miss.

When I'm bored I think of snarky comebacks to the people who will say something about my age and becoming a mom. "It's none of your {bleeping} business!" comes to mind, but I try to be classier than that on most occasions. Most. I had lunch with a co-worker yesterday who doesn't know we're expecting but knows my sister-in-law is, and when he found out my brother will be 36 when the baby is born said something like "Geez they're going to be old when the kid graduates and on social security soon after." I about fell out of my chair. Yeahhhhhhh they'll be getting social security when the "kid" is like 35 - so perhaps right after graduating with his/her second PhD or something - not high school! Funny that it's unfathomable to him to have a kid so late in life... he just had his second kid at 35. Not 25, but 35.

Potential comment: "Is that your grandchild?"
Potential comeback: "No, it's my child. You're probably one of those idiots who's asked a fluffy gal if she's pregnant, only to find out she's not. Get a (the word f***ing would sooo fit in right here) filter! Not everything that comes to mind should come out of your mouth!"

Potential comment: "Is that your grandchild?"
Potential comeback: "F***youverymuch." (to give credit where credit is due, that's from my favorite Lily Allen song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qg7jA-H-jMo)

I'll work on those. Unfortunately neither comeback is perfect, although I'm partial to the second one.

Ok, getting too negative. I must remember to celebrate my accomplishments. (This is the part when I get to list the things I'm happy about. I love doing this because nobody else is going to do it for me!)

#1: My health. I've had two kidney transplants and other than needing to shed some weight at the moment, I am in great health. 

#2: My marriage. I am married to my absolute soulmate (and I have some serious dating experience for comparison's sake and truly there is NO comparison). I could go on and on and on and on and on (get it?) about him but will save that for an upcoming blog about a sappy wife who is so over-the-moon in love with her husband it makes others ill. Hahaha - not really! Ok, back to the list...

#3: My family and friends. Perhaps not really an accomplishment, per se, but maintaining communication and relationships is tough work at times.

#4: My education. Through the ups (transplant #1) and downs (transplant rejection and subsequent 7+ years of dialysis), I did it. I did it!

#5: My faith. Call it determination, stubbornness or confidence. I truly believe I can steer my life in the direction I want to go. I don't always go with the flow but it's only because I don't let life happen to me. I make it happen, or at least encourage it in a particular direction. Woe is NOT me.

I think that's a pretty complete feel-good list for today.

SAHM

SAHM: stay-at-home-mom. I really admire parents who stay home with their kids - well, the ones who are really good at it, at least. Happily, I know lots of mommies who are good at this! Sadly, I also know some who are not. I gave this topic a lot of thought this week and I come back to the same conclusion each time... I'd be a mediocre SAHM. Don't get me wrong, I think I'd enjoy it the majority of the time. Who wouldn't enjoy play dates at the park, trips to the beach, and exploring the zoo on a regular basis? Hell, I wouldn't even mind poopy diapers, sticky peanut butter and jelly hands or strong arming the kid into naptime.

But I just can't imagine being somone's mom as what defines me. I know your identity is hidden once you have kids and that you become so-and-so's mom or dad - and that's cool. But I'm also a working professional who has been employed since... well, since the summer after high school. I'd be lost without my work, without my co-workers and without a professional purpose. I don't want to minimize my excitement about the baby at all. I am soooooo looking forward to this new chapter! I'm just not ready to give up who I am and everything I've done to date.

SAHD on the other hand... I think Paul would be a great stay-at-home-dad :)

A New Cousin

I just found out my brother and his wife are expecting their fourth kid the week before our baby is due. How's that for cousins who will be super close in age?!

We were excited about being grandchild #13 for my mom and Bill, and #9 for my dad and Barbara. Now we'll be #14 and #10 if the babies cooperate and are born on/very near their due dates. I also know you can't count on anything like that - they come on THEIR schedule when THEY want to meet the world. We shall see!

Hello again :)

It's been a while between posts. T had another ultrasound a week ago on July 8th and everything looked great! The baby was officially 8 weeks 4 days at that point with a heartrate of 165.

So I look at pictures like this and think "which end is up??" T nicely pointed out to me that the head is at the bottom, little arm buds in the middle, and feet/tail at the top... all for the approximate size of a raspberry. T has this thing about comparing the size of the embryo - soon to be considered a fetus - to fruit and it makes it so much more relatable. This week we're in the green olive stage, and next week, at Week 10, it'll be as big as a prune. Seriously, they couldn't think of a more appetizing fruit for similar size?? As for due date, they officially said the baby is due on Valentine's Day 2011. Although I know few people hit their due date exactly, this baby will be a love bug no matter what!

So What Changed?

Yesterday I was still on my kick about not getting too excited and underplaying just how amazing this all is. Something either changed overnight or I've caught the slightest case of amnesia, because we went out to lunch and ended up at Toys R Us looking at baby stuff. Strollers, Pack-N-Plays, swings, carseats, baby gates, mobiles... lotsa stuff. And we discovered something very cool: we have very similar tastes in what's cute/functional and what's not. Paul asks me of a baby swing: "What do you think about this one?" My answer: "Um, it's white." His response to that: "Yeah, no good." Right on, love. We were partial to gender neutral designs, but I have a feeling that'll change when we get to the gender ultrasound because there were so many cute things for girls, and so many for boys. We exited as quickly as we entered, never a thought to buying anything, but it was a nice experience.

Literally a Sweet Pea

So, at week 5, an embryo is the size of a poppy seed. Week 6 - we're nearing the end - it's the size of a sweet pea. And next week? We graduate to a blueberry. Mind boggling.

Yesterday was another ultrasound, another beautiful picture. The much anticipated bonus this time was a heartbeat! It was 109 bpm which is right in line where it should be (normally 90-110 bpm at this stage... Paul googled it). Here's the pic of the sweet pea:

It was a tough day for me because I couldn't be "in the know" as it was happening. I had a meeting from 8-2 with virtually no time to call, chat or otherwise engage in baby talk. T called Paul to let him know all went well while I was mid-presentation about the most exciting of topics... turnover, unemployment and the CA economy. I know, I warned you it was exciting! Paul IM'd me on my blackberry to give me the news, and it became increasing hard to play it cool at the office. It's so hard to keep this hush hush, but we're doing it for self-preservation and soon enough others will know.

Paul and I made a loosely constructed deal that we could "just look" at baby stuff once a heartbeat was detected. That means we would no longer forbid ourselves to walk the baby aisles at Target or zip past the Babies R Us on the 101 at 80mph. As I was thinking about this last night, it became a game of semantics... "no longer forbid ourselves" became "not forbidden, but not recommended." This guarded-feeling thing is getting old. I can't wait to be the person who goes shopping and buys something baby-related because I want to, or because I know it'll be needed. I wouldn't even *think* of that now. {shudders}

Father's Day Weekend

What a special Father's Day this past weekend. It had such special meaning! We got to spend part of it with my dad, and part of it relishing the idea that Paul will soon be a daddy again... quietly of course, because we're still far from making a public announcement. Next milestones: bloodwork tomorrow, heartbeat ultrasound on Thursday. Can't wait to hear it beating!!

Beautiful Technology

I saw the most beautiful picture today! It was T's first ultrasound. I guess that's a bonus of the fertility world - the ultrasounds start much earlier than with a "traditional" pregnancy. Anyway, the sac was there and measuring 5w6d. {huge sigh of relief} As T put it, it's a little overachiever because it's only 5w4d today! There are a few more milestones that will put my mind at ease: the heartbeat ultrasound, passing the first trimester, the gender ultrasound, the second trimester, delivery... hehehe... ok, maybe we won't have to get quite that far to relax.

The Charmed Life

I would describe my life as charmed. There have been so many more ups than downs. My moral compass has always pointed in the right direction and when I decide I'm going to do something, I do it. People close to me might say I'm stubborn. I think driven is a better word (better connotation at least, right?!). I'm not typically one to say "I wish..." when it comes to goals... I just start trying to reach the milestones on the way to ultimate accomplishment.


Hubby and I were married in March 2009 in the most beautiful of places... Hawaii. We knew we wanted to start a family immediately (reminds me of my stepdad's saying "immediately if not sooner") - and let's be honest, nobody was waiting until the wedding. We knew we faced challenges; we knew it was medically possible, but perhaps not probable or advisable, for me to get pregnant and carry a baby to term because of my medical history (which, in a nutshell, involves two kidney transplants and almost 8 years on dialysis between transplants). When you get married at age 37, it doesn't take long to call on a reproductive endocrinologist for help in the baby-making department. Sparing the infertility trials and tribulations for now, suffice it to say we decided on having a baby through surrogacy in December 2009. By February 2010, we were matched with a wonderful surrogate and began the process of medical testing, lawyers and contracts, and the waiting, waiting, waiting until our embryo transfer on May 28, 2010.


Wait for it, wait for it................


We're gonna have a baby! We just found out last week that we are going to be parents again (him), finally (me) and together (us)! Our surrogate, T, is pregnant! She's 5 weeks 3 days today and I am so excited, nervous, amazed... just a wreck of emotions. And that, if you wondered, is why I am taking to blogging. I want to chronicle this journey so I can remember all of the milestones, important parts, and just daily (weekly, monthly) thoughts along the way.


Backtracking just a bit, at first I wondered if hubby would be as excited to take this journey into parenthood with me. After all, he already has two daughters (22 and nearly 15) from his previous marriage. Don't get me wrong, I knew he would be excited. I'm talking levels of excitement, though. Like maybe he'd be at a 5 or 6 and I'd be at 10. But after watching him this last weekend, and sneaking in comments where I could, I know he's just as excited as I am. He's excited about a new baby and the idea of co-parenting with me (I said the idea for a reason. Let's talk in 9+ months about the reality of co-parenting). I'm excited to be a first-time mom and having him as my co-pilot and mentor along the way. I've seen him in action as a dad and he's made some of the toughest calls a parent should have to make. I know he'll be a great dad... for the third time. Let me also throw the caveat in there that we use the term cautiously optimistic a lot. As happy as we are, we are trying desperately to temper the fleeting and giddy thoughts of baby clothes, strollers and "new baby smell" with the reality of our own misfortunes of loss and dashed hopes.


You'd think getting such happy news of positive home pregnancy tests and positive blood pregnancy tests would put you at ease. Yeah, well, think again. Infertility is the wrong world to mess with if you need instant gratification. It's a roller coaster like no other. At this stage, a roller coaster that goes something like this:


Positive home pregnancy test: "That's a good sign."
First beta hCG: "I think that's in a good range."
   (145 at 10dp5dt)
Second beta hCG: "The doubling time looks great."
   (410 at 12dp5dt)


And then the progesterone cames back low. {music screeching to a halt} What does that mean? It means that T and I are Googling the hell out of low progesterone. She's nervous after having suffered an ectopic pregnancy with her last IPs (intended parents, for you who aren't cool with fertility lingo... LOL!). We're nervous after suffering too many losses/disappointments of our own. We found out through tons of internet research and later a call to the RE's office that the number is low, but expected to be in the low-ish range because it's not absorbed the same way as the standard progesterone in oil or progesterone in ethyl oleate shots. Still, they want it a bit higher and told T to add one more crinone to the mix. She had more labwork done to see if that extra crinone did the trick. The result for progesterone takes a bit longer from the lab, but they did another hCG level and it came back at 6547 (18dp5dt). Another plateau of feeling good, and makes us rest comfortably while waiting for the progesterone results.


And speaking of other results, the first ultrasound is tomorrow. It's very early so they are really looking for the gestational sac and fetal pole. Anything else (like a little flickering light as the heartbeat - too early for sound) is icing on the cake at this point. And because this is my blog I'll just say it: we know to protect ourselves, we also have to consider that there might not be anything there. How awful to feel we have to prepare for the worst all the time. I know we'll get past that. I just don't know when. 35 weeks? 40? Kidding. But certainly further along than we are today, or tomorrow.


But did I mention we're pregnant? Yep. Pregnant. We are at such an amazing place in life right now. I am at such an amazing place in life right now. I really lead a charmed life!