Saturday, June 26, 2010
So What Changed?
Yesterday I was still on my kick about not getting too excited and underplaying just how amazing this all is. Something either changed overnight or I've caught the slightest case of amnesia, because we went out to lunch and ended up at Toys R Us looking at baby stuff. Strollers, Pack-N-Plays, swings, carseats, baby gates, mobiles... lotsa stuff. And we discovered something very cool: we have very similar tastes in what's cute/functional and what's not. Paul asks me of a baby swing: "What do you think about this one?" My answer: "Um, it's white." His response to that: "Yeah, no good." Right on, love. We were partial to gender neutral designs, but I have a feeling that'll change when we get to the gender ultrasound because there were so many cute things for girls, and so many for boys. We exited as quickly as we entered, never a thought to buying anything, but it was a nice experience.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Literally a Sweet Pea
So, at week 5, an embryo is the size of a poppy seed. Week 6 - we're nearing the end - it's the size of a sweet pea. And next week? We graduate to a blueberry. Mind boggling.
Yesterday was another ultrasound, another beautiful picture. The much anticipated bonus this time was a heartbeat! It was 109 bpm which is right in line where it should be (normally 90-110 bpm at this stage... Paul googled it). Here's the pic of the sweet pea:
It was a tough day for me because I couldn't be "in the know" as it was happening. I had a meeting from 8-2 with virtually no time to call, chat or otherwise engage in baby talk. T called Paul to let him know all went well while I was mid-presentation about the most exciting of topics... turnover, unemployment and the CA economy. I know, I warned you it was exciting! Paul IM'd me on my blackberry to give me the news, and it became increasing hard to play it cool at the office. It's so hard to keep this hush hush, but we're doing it for self-preservation and soon enough others will know.
Paul and I made a loosely constructed deal that we could "just look" at baby stuff once a heartbeat was detected. That means we would no longer forbid ourselves to walk the baby aisles at Target or zip past the Babies R Us on the 101 at 80mph. As I was thinking about this last night, it became a game of semantics... "no longer forbid ourselves" became "not forbidden, but not recommended." This guarded-feeling thing is getting old. I can't wait to be the person who goes shopping and buys something baby-related because I want to, or because I know it'll be needed. I wouldn't even *think* of that now. {shudders}
Yesterday was another ultrasound, another beautiful picture. The much anticipated bonus this time was a heartbeat! It was 109 bpm which is right in line where it should be (normally 90-110 bpm at this stage... Paul googled it). Here's the pic of the sweet pea:
It was a tough day for me because I couldn't be "in the know" as it was happening. I had a meeting from 8-2 with virtually no time to call, chat or otherwise engage in baby talk. T called Paul to let him know all went well while I was mid-presentation about the most exciting of topics... turnover, unemployment and the CA economy. I know, I warned you it was exciting! Paul IM'd me on my blackberry to give me the news, and it became increasing hard to play it cool at the office. It's so hard to keep this hush hush, but we're doing it for self-preservation and soon enough others will know.
Paul and I made a loosely constructed deal that we could "just look" at baby stuff once a heartbeat was detected. That means we would no longer forbid ourselves to walk the baby aisles at Target or zip past the Babies R Us on the 101 at 80mph. As I was thinking about this last night, it became a game of semantics... "no longer forbid ourselves" became "not forbidden, but not recommended." This guarded-feeling thing is getting old. I can't wait to be the person who goes shopping and buys something baby-related because I want to, or because I know it'll be needed. I wouldn't even *think* of that now. {shudders}
Monday, June 21, 2010
Father's Day Weekend
What a special Father's Day this past weekend. It had such special meaning! We got to spend part of it with my dad, and part of it relishing the idea that Paul will soon be a daddy again... quietly of course, because we're still far from making a public announcement. Next milestones: bloodwork tomorrow, heartbeat ultrasound on Thursday. Can't wait to hear it beating!!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Beautiful Technology
I saw the most beautiful picture today! It was T's first ultrasound. I guess that's a bonus of the fertility world - the ultrasounds start much earlier than with a "traditional" pregnancy. Anyway, the sac was there and measuring 5w6d. {huge sigh of relief} As T put it, it's a little overachiever because it's only 5w4d today! There are a few more milestones that will put my mind at ease: the heartbeat ultrasound, passing the first trimester, the gender ultrasound, the second trimester, delivery... hehehe... ok, maybe we won't have to get quite that far to relax.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
The Charmed Life
I would describe my life as charmed. There have been so many more ups than downs. My moral compass has always pointed in the right direction and when I decide I'm going to do something, I do it. People close to me might say I'm stubborn. I think driven is a better word (better connotation at least, right?!). I'm not typically one to say "I wish..." when it comes to goals... I just start trying to reach the milestones on the way to ultimate accomplishment.
Hubby and I were married in March 2009 in the most beautiful of places... Hawaii. We knew we wanted to start a family immediately (reminds me of my stepdad's saying "immediately if not sooner") - and let's be honest, nobody was waiting until the wedding. We knew we faced challenges; we knew it was medically possible, but perhaps not probable or advisable, for me to get pregnant and carry a baby to term because of my medical history (which, in a nutshell, involves two kidney transplants and almost 8 years on dialysis between transplants). When you get married at age 37, it doesn't take long to call on a reproductive endocrinologist for help in the baby-making department. Sparing the infertility trials and tribulations for now, suffice it to say we decided on having a baby through surrogacy in December 2009. By February 2010, we were matched with a wonderful surrogate and began the process of medical testing, lawyers and contracts, and the waiting, waiting, waiting until our embryo transfer on May 28, 2010.
Wait for it, wait for it................
We're gonna have a baby! We just found out last week that we are going to be parents again (him), finally (me) and together (us)! Our surrogate, T, is pregnant! She's 5 weeks 3 days today and I am so excited, nervous, amazed... just a wreck of emotions. And that, if you wondered, is why I am taking to blogging. I want to chronicle this journey so I can remember all of the milestones, important parts, and just daily (weekly, monthly) thoughts along the way.
Backtracking just a bit, at first I wondered if hubby would be as excited to take this journey into parenthood with me. After all, he already has two daughters (22 and nearly 15) from his previous marriage. Don't get me wrong, I knew he would be excited. I'm talking levels of excitement, though. Like maybe he'd be at a 5 or 6 and I'd be at 10. But after watching him this last weekend, and sneaking in comments where I could, I know he's just as excited as I am. He's excited about a new baby and the idea of co-parenting with me (I said the idea for a reason. Let's talk in 9+ months about the reality of co-parenting). I'm excited to be a first-time mom and having him as my co-pilot and mentor along the way. I've seen him in action as a dad and he's made some of the toughest calls a parent should have to make. I know he'll be a great dad... for the third time. Let me also throw the caveat in there that we use the term cautiously optimistic a lot. As happy as we are, we are trying desperately to temper the fleeting and giddy thoughts of baby clothes, strollers and "new baby smell" with the reality of our own misfortunes of loss and dashed hopes.
You'd think getting such happy news of positive home pregnancy tests and positive blood pregnancy tests would put you at ease. Yeah, well, think again. Infertility is the wrong world to mess with if you need instant gratification. It's a roller coaster like no other. At this stage, a roller coaster that goes something like this:
Positive home pregnancy test: "That's a good sign."
First beta hCG: "I think that's in a good range."
(145 at 10dp5dt)
Second beta hCG: "The doubling time looks great."
(410 at 12dp5dt)
And then the progesterone cames back low. {music screeching to a halt} What does that mean? It means that T and I are Googling the hell out of low progesterone. She's nervous after having suffered an ectopic pregnancy with her last IPs (intended parents, for you who aren't cool with fertility lingo... LOL!). We're nervous after suffering too many losses/disappointments of our own. We found out through tons of internet research and later a call to the RE's office that the number is low, but expected to be in the low-ish range because it's not absorbed the same way as the standard progesterone in oil or progesterone in ethyl oleate shots. Still, they want it a bit higher and told T to add one more crinone to the mix. She had more labwork done to see if that extra crinone did the trick. The result for progesterone takes a bit longer from the lab, but they did another hCG level and it came back at 6547 (18dp5dt). Another plateau of feeling good, and makes us rest comfortably while waiting for the progesterone results.
And speaking of other results, the first ultrasound is tomorrow. It's very early so they are really looking for the gestational sac and fetal pole. Anything else (like a little flickering light as the heartbeat - too early for sound) is icing on the cake at this point. And because this is my blog I'll just say it: we know to protect ourselves, we also have to consider that there might not be anything there. How awful to feel we have to prepare for the worst all the time. I know we'll get past that. I just don't know when. 35 weeks? 40? Kidding. But certainly further along than we are today, or tomorrow.
But did I mention we're pregnant? Yep. Pregnant. We are at such an amazing place in life right now. I am at such an amazing place in life right now. I really lead a charmed life!
Hubby and I were married in March 2009 in the most beautiful of places... Hawaii. We knew we wanted to start a family immediately (reminds me of my stepdad's saying "immediately if not sooner") - and let's be honest, nobody was waiting until the wedding. We knew we faced challenges; we knew it was medically possible, but perhaps not probable or advisable, for me to get pregnant and carry a baby to term because of my medical history (which, in a nutshell, involves two kidney transplants and almost 8 years on dialysis between transplants). When you get married at age 37, it doesn't take long to call on a reproductive endocrinologist for help in the baby-making department. Sparing the infertility trials and tribulations for now, suffice it to say we decided on having a baby through surrogacy in December 2009. By February 2010, we were matched with a wonderful surrogate and began the process of medical testing, lawyers and contracts, and the waiting, waiting, waiting until our embryo transfer on May 28, 2010.
Wait for it, wait for it................
We're gonna have a baby! We just found out last week that we are going to be parents again (him), finally (me) and together (us)! Our surrogate, T, is pregnant! She's 5 weeks 3 days today and I am so excited, nervous, amazed... just a wreck of emotions. And that, if you wondered, is why I am taking to blogging. I want to chronicle this journey so I can remember all of the milestones, important parts, and just daily (weekly, monthly) thoughts along the way.
Backtracking just a bit, at first I wondered if hubby would be as excited to take this journey into parenthood with me. After all, he already has two daughters (22 and nearly 15) from his previous marriage. Don't get me wrong, I knew he would be excited. I'm talking levels of excitement, though. Like maybe he'd be at a 5 or 6 and I'd be at 10. But after watching him this last weekend, and sneaking in comments where I could, I know he's just as excited as I am. He's excited about a new baby and the idea of co-parenting with me (I said the idea for a reason. Let's talk in 9+ months about the reality of co-parenting). I'm excited to be a first-time mom and having him as my co-pilot and mentor along the way. I've seen him in action as a dad and he's made some of the toughest calls a parent should have to make. I know he'll be a great dad... for the third time. Let me also throw the caveat in there that we use the term cautiously optimistic a lot. As happy as we are, we are trying desperately to temper the fleeting and giddy thoughts of baby clothes, strollers and "new baby smell" with the reality of our own misfortunes of loss and dashed hopes.
You'd think getting such happy news of positive home pregnancy tests and positive blood pregnancy tests would put you at ease. Yeah, well, think again. Infertility is the wrong world to mess with if you need instant gratification. It's a roller coaster like no other. At this stage, a roller coaster that goes something like this:
Positive home pregnancy test: "That's a good sign."
First beta hCG: "I think that's in a good range."
(145 at 10dp5dt)
Second beta hCG: "The doubling time looks great."
(410 at 12dp5dt)
And then the progesterone cames back low. {music screeching to a halt} What does that mean? It means that T and I are Googling the hell out of low progesterone. She's nervous after having suffered an ectopic pregnancy with her last IPs (intended parents, for you who aren't cool with fertility lingo... LOL!). We're nervous after suffering too many losses/disappointments of our own. We found out through tons of internet research and later a call to the RE's office that the number is low, but expected to be in the low-ish range because it's not absorbed the same way as the standard progesterone in oil or progesterone in ethyl oleate shots. Still, they want it a bit higher and told T to add one more crinone to the mix. She had more labwork done to see if that extra crinone did the trick. The result for progesterone takes a bit longer from the lab, but they did another hCG level and it came back at 6547 (18dp5dt). Another plateau of feeling good, and makes us rest comfortably while waiting for the progesterone results.
And speaking of other results, the first ultrasound is tomorrow. It's very early so they are really looking for the gestational sac and fetal pole. Anything else (like a little flickering light as the heartbeat - too early for sound) is icing on the cake at this point. And because this is my blog I'll just say it: we know to protect ourselves, we also have to consider that there might not be anything there. How awful to feel we have to prepare for the worst all the time. I know we'll get past that. I just don't know when. 35 weeks? 40? Kidding. But certainly further along than we are today, or tomorrow.
But did I mention we're pregnant? Yep. Pregnant. We are at such an amazing place in life right now. I am at such an amazing place in life right now. I really lead a charmed life!
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