A Light Note to End 2010

I have the mouth of a sailor - or trucker - take your pick. Apparently that needs to change or I'll have a foul-mouthed little boy running around here in no time flat. To "encourage" a change in vocabulary, there is talk of a Swear Jar entering our home. What the $%^&?!?!? Rumor has it that the f-bomb will cost me $5 per use. I think that's a bit steep. On the up side, we'll be able to send Caleb to college with that money, no problem. By age 3.

I've been pretty good around the nieces and nephews over the years. Only lately have I let it relax - and only around the older ones. A few years ago, I had two of them with me and apparently let a word slip that I didn't even realize had passed my lips. My nephew said "Auntie! You said the "c" word!" I was shocked, mortified, embarrassed - but confused. I don't even use the "c" word! So after running the past few statements through my memory, I said "I don't think so!" to which he replied "Uh huh... you said c-r-a-p."

Oh, that "c" word.

My Heart Aches

I found out last night that the absolutely funniest blogger I've ever read experienced a loss and it hit me profoundly. Personally. Indulge me in the CliffsNotes version, if you will:

Jen writes a blog about her own infertility experiences and parenting. It's not a funny subject, but her sense of humor overwhelms and takes you on the journey with her. Her language is R-rated (probably why I love her so much); her twist on the English language is hilarious.

She and her husband have an almost-2-year old little girl and her latest pregnancy? Twins! Girls! ... with a condition that made one baby larger than the other - something to do with blood supply although not thought to be Twin to Twin Transfusion syndrome. Jen affectionately called the larger baby "Hog Baby" and the other "Itty Bitty Baby."

Anyway... they delivered the girls last night at 32 weeks via c-section. Their names: Ainsley (Itty Bitty) and Evelyn (Hog Baby). It seems while the worries were mostly about Ainsley being big enough to survive, Evelyn, Hog Baby, had issues and became an angel last night. She didn't make it. And I'm just heartbroken for them at what should be the most joyous of occasions.

This, as with any loss I hear about lately, escalates my existing-yet-suppressed doubts and fears. No, it's not all about me, but I can't help but feel this "what if" kind of sharp pain. It stabs me in the chest then stomps on my brain for days. My heart aches for Jen and her family.

Jen's blog is at www.jennepper.com and is called "Maybe If You Just Relax."

Why I love California

Southern California has always been home and I am grateful for that. Here is why I love California:

• Great weather
• Beaches, mountains, views and scenery
• Big cities like Los Angeles and San Diego
• Small-town feeling cities like Santa Barbara and Ojai
• Cities that feel somewhere in the middle... like Ventura
• Amusement parks
• Shopping galore
• Bike trails, hiking trails, dog parks and parks, parks, parks
• Crazy people (think Venice Beach)
• Year-round growing, family farms, and fruit stands
• Pacific Coast Highway
• Palm Springs and San Diego weekends
• California Paid Family Leave << where are the blinking lights for this one??

Yes! That is my newest reason for loving our beautiful (and broke, but I don't care right now because I am going to take full advantage of a benefit that I'm entitled to, dammit) state!!

I had no idea I was entitled to any sort of paid leave since I won't be out on a pregnancy/medical leave and was anticipating using my PTO for 6ish weeks once Caleb makes his debut. Of course I wanted to take a longer leave, but unpaid leave is not an option for us. But now that I can have some paid time and use my PTO to supplement my wages, I will be able to take more time. Even better, in CA I don't have to take it in one chunk. So I could have one 12 week leave, or two 6-week leaves, or perhaps even break the latter 6 week leave down to 2 week chunks. So much to consider; not exactly sure what works best for us as of now. But yahooooo, I have options and I am loving CA even more today!

We also need to see about Paul's ability to take some sort of leave in the future. He'll need some bonding time, too!

For anyone else wondering about CA leave laws for parents and/or pregnancy, I found this summary very helpful:

http://www.paidfamilyleave.org/pdf/FiveKeyLawsPoster.pdf

Merry Christmas!

If I could pick the perfect Christmas day, this was it. First, we slept in until almost 10. Then, we pretty much stayed in sweats all day and worked on the baby's room (tick tock - only 50 days until we hit the due date!). We didn't have to go anywhere and didn't have to do anything. No expectations. Perfection!

Our original plan was to put the crib together today, but my awesome and anxious husband conquered that one during the week. Today turned into wall decal day. It boggles my mind how much giant stickers can change the whole feel of the room. Anyway, I'll "tell" the rest of the decal story with lots-o-pictures. I think the transformation is pretty cool:

The big elephant in the room (not the rust colored one above, a different kind) is the queen bed that I tried to avoid in pics. We're going to keep it in there for a while since we don't have a guest room right now, but need to somehow incorporate it. We have a good start and I'll post pics when it's done. In the next few days we're going to get a new fan and a couple of floating shelves to put above the elephant for extra storage/display space. Also on the to-do list is getting the bedding made to include the crib skirt, bumper and valance. My mom is coming over for a few nights in January and will set up shop in the room to sew it all.

I'm so excited we're this far along - it happened so fast! Paul was definitely on Santa's "good" list today :) Merry Christmas!!

Emotional Roller Coaster

We've just exited an overwhelming and exhausting couple of weeks. The ups and downs, the range of emotions, the energy expended... too much. There was a lot of excitement and stress at the beginning of December. Paul was nearing the end of school and had a few research papers due. It totally stressed me out... might as well have been me doing them! Then I adopted his cold, but what was a fairly normal cold for him turned into icky bronchitis for me. And it hurt. Like really, really hurt. Typically when I get it (sad that I can say 'typically'), I sound awful but it's not painful. This time, I could actually feel that my lung capacity was not what it should be and it completely compressed my chest with each breath and seal-like cough. But the sad kicker in the last couple of weeks is that Paul's dad died on Friday, December 10th, the same day Paul completed his Bachelor's degree in Urban Planning with an emphasis in Environmental Planning and Sustainability. The very same day.

Paul and his dad did not have a close relationship, but there is something about this event that may be even sadder than the actual passing of this man. The dream - the thought - that someday perhaps they could have a decent relationship (or any relationship) completely died with his father. The extended dream that our child could know another one of his grandparents also died that day. Truly tragic.

I am anxiously awaiting 2011. Let's fast forward to the end of this year and be done with it!

"You Won't Get Any Sleep"

I know people are trying to be helpful in letting me know what to expect - kind of like a rite of passage I suppose. But those same people will also tell you "it's indescribable" (the change from no kids to having one). So I have a suggestion: please let me experience all those things that you're not able to adequately describe. That way, I can save you the grief of having to come up with words (that once again, don't do it justice) and you can save me the dentist bill from grinding my teeth together, okay?

Along the same lines, and actually what got me thinking about this topic, is hearing people tell Paul how his life is going to change. He raised his oldest (step-)daughter from nearly 3 years old onward, and his bio-daughter from birth. I know things change (after all, he was surprised at the whole wipe warmer thing), but I feel like he gets his "Dad" wings clipped every time someone tells him what to expect. HE KNOWS. This isn't his first time around the fussy-baby-poopy-pants block.

Headaches bring out the best posts, don't they? Waaaaahahahhahaha!!

"Born via Surrogate"

So I'm reading my normal trashy celebrity "news" on Yahoo's OMG tonight - just minding my own business - when I click on the link to an article about Sarah Jessica Parker. I really liked her in everything Sex in the City and know I'm in the minority, but hey, we've all got things we don't admit in public.

ANYWAY!

I'm reading the piece when this jumps out at me: "Parker and her husband Matthew Broderick are parents to a son, James Wilkie, 8, and twin girls, Marion Loretta ("Kitty") and Tabitha Hodge ("Babe"), who were born via surrogate in June 2009."

I think the whole world knows those girls were born via a surrogate. Why do they always make it part of their identity and put it in the articles?! Gee thanks, Yahoo, for putting a new "I wonder if" thought in my head!

Now I am wondering if every time I mention my child, if someone (hopefully in their head) will say "born via surrogate" or if every time someone else mentions my child, they will say "Caleb, born via surrogate."

I realize I'm no SJP and that their use of a surrogate to have their girls was highly publicized. I also know we have no shame or feeling "less than" for needing a surrogate's help ourselves. But seriously?! Can't the kids be label-less and just be [insert name here], rather than [insert name here], born via surrogate?

Baby's Room: The Pieces

Here are the components of Caleb's room so far. I'll post some pics of the final product when it's done, too.

Let's start with the crib. We like this one because it converts to a full-size bed (like almost all cribs being sold today), it has a solid back (would make a better headboard later I think), has a bit of visual interest in the front with that little dip, and has straight legs and the least amount of surfaces - among cribs we researched - to collect dust:

The dresser. This was such an easy buy. Although not from the same retailer as the crib, the color is complementary, the legs are straight, and it is a very simple design. We're going to use the top as the changing table and we'll replace the knobs, for now, with the jungle knobs in the picture below the dresser pic:

I found this kick-ass designer on Etsy (called DesignedDESIGNER for anyone who's interested) who does wall decals. This is the one we're using, although we're changing the colors just a bit to be a little closer to the fabric colors. It's not all one piece, so we could put the tree on one wall, an animal on another, etc. It all depends where the furniture will go, so its final wall destination is still a mystery to me:

And finally, here are the fabrics we're using. My mom is going to create all sorts of things - among which include the crib/bed skirt, a bumper that we'll use later on, a valance, and some pillowcases we'll use on the queen bed that will stay in the room for now:

I really like this stuff. Paul still may add a little 3D art to the room, but for the most part, we've figured it out. It's not a designer nursery that you'd see on some fancy HGTV show, but we agreed on everything and it seems like a room that will 'fit' in our home. It's a room a little boy can play in and be comfortable in - not one that has showpieces or furniture that I'd be irritated if it were to be scratched. I see lots of good times and fun play in this room's future!

The Text that Sparked Excitement and Anxiety (the good kind)

I was sitting here at my desk today freshly off an IM session with my co-worker - still smiling from our silly banter - when I get a text message on my cell phone. It was from T. All it said was "Only 74 more days." I was all excited thinking about how fast we've gotten to this point! I swear we just did the contracts a little bit ago - or even just saw the first little shrimp shaped embryo on an early ultrasound. It was so exciting to think about it being only 74 days away! Mid-smile I also started feeling that now-familiar feeling of being overwhelmed... like knowing that we have to start (and hopefully finish) the baby's room. Like figuring out just what we need to pack for the trip. Like worrying that the pre-birth order legal work isn't going fast enough. Like wondering about my leave of absence from work. Surely everything will fall into place. I do really well with checklists, so I think tonight I will start writing out the to-do lists. Paul is just going to love this! (yes, extreme sarcasm)