We've just exited an overwhelming and exhausting couple of weeks. The ups and downs, the range of emotions, the energy expended... too much. There was a lot of excitement and stress at the beginning of December. Paul was nearing the end of school and had a few research papers due. It totally stressed me out... might as well have been me doing them! Then I adopted his cold, but what was a fairly normal cold for him turned into icky bronchitis for me. And it hurt. Like really, really hurt. Typically when I get it (sad that I can say 'typically'), I sound awful but it's not painful. This time, I could actually feel that my lung capacity was not what it should be and it completely compressed my chest with each breath and seal-like cough. But the sad kicker in the last couple of weeks is that Paul's dad died on Friday, December 10th, the same day Paul completed his Bachelor's degree in Urban Planning with an emphasis in Environmental Planning and Sustainability. The very same day.
Paul and his dad did not have a close relationship, but there is something about this event that may be even sadder than the actual passing of this man. The dream - the thought - that someday perhaps they could have a decent relationship (or any relationship) completely died with his father. The extended dream that our child could know another one of his grandparents also died that day. Truly tragic.
I am anxiously awaiting 2011. Let's fast forward to the end of this year and be done with it!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
"You Won't Get Any Sleep"
I know people are trying to be helpful in letting me know what to expect - kind of like a rite of passage I suppose. But those same people will also tell you "it's indescribable" (the change from no kids to having one). So I have a suggestion: please let me experience all those things that you're not able to adequately describe. That way, I can save you the grief of having to come up with words (that once again, don't do it justice) and you can save me the dentist bill from grinding my teeth together, okay?
Along the same lines, and actually what got me thinking about this topic, is hearing people tell Paul how his life is going to change. He raised his oldest (step-)daughter from nearly 3 years old onward, and his bio-daughter from birth. I know things change (after all, he was surprised at the whole wipe warmer thing), but I feel like he gets his "Dad" wings clipped every time someone tells him what to expect. HE KNOWS. This isn't his first time around the fussy-baby-poopy-pants block.
Headaches bring out the best posts, don't they? Waaaaahahahhahaha!!
Along the same lines, and actually what got me thinking about this topic, is hearing people tell Paul how his life is going to change. He raised his oldest (step-)daughter from nearly 3 years old onward, and his bio-daughter from birth. I know things change (after all, he was surprised at the whole wipe warmer thing), but I feel like he gets his "Dad" wings clipped every time someone tells him what to expect. HE KNOWS. This isn't his first time around the fussy-baby-poopy-pants block.
Headaches bring out the best posts, don't they? Waaaaahahahhahaha!!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
"Born via Surrogate"
So I'm reading my normal trashy celebrity "news" on Yahoo's OMG tonight - just minding my own business - when I click on the link to an article about Sarah Jessica Parker. I really liked her in everything Sex in the City and know I'm in the minority, but hey, we've all got things we don't admit in public.
ANYWAY!
I'm reading the piece when this jumps out at me: "Parker and her husband Matthew Broderick are parents to a son, James Wilkie, 8, and twin girls, Marion Loretta ("Kitty") and Tabitha Hodge ("Babe"), who were born via surrogate in June 2009."
I think the whole world knows those girls were born via a surrogate. Why do they always make it part of their identity and put it in the articles?! Gee thanks, Yahoo, for putting a new "I wonder if" thought in my head!
Now I am wondering if every time I mention my child, if someone (hopefully in their head) will say "born via surrogate" or if every time someone else mentions my child, they will say "Caleb, born via surrogate."
I realize I'm no SJP and that their use of a surrogate to have their girls was highly publicized. I also know we have no shame or feeling "less than" for needing a surrogate's help ourselves. But seriously?! Can't the kids be label-less and just be [insert name here], rather than [insert name here], born via surrogate?
ANYWAY!
I'm reading the piece when this jumps out at me: "Parker and her husband Matthew Broderick are parents to a son, James Wilkie, 8, and twin girls, Marion Loretta ("Kitty") and Tabitha Hodge ("Babe"), who were born via surrogate in June 2009."
I think the whole world knows those girls were born via a surrogate. Why do they always make it part of their identity and put it in the articles?! Gee thanks, Yahoo, for putting a new "I wonder if" thought in my head!
Now I am wondering if every time I mention my child, if someone (hopefully in their head) will say "born via surrogate" or if every time someone else mentions my child, they will say "Caleb, born via surrogate."
I realize I'm no SJP and that their use of a surrogate to have their girls was highly publicized. I also know we have no shame or feeling "less than" for needing a surrogate's help ourselves. But seriously?! Can't the kids be label-less and just be [insert name here], rather than [insert name here], born via surrogate?
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Baby's Room: The Pieces
Here are the components of Caleb's room so far. I'll post some pics of the final product when it's done, too.
Let's start with the crib. We like this one because it converts to a full-size bed (like almost all cribs being sold today), it has a solid back (would make a better headboard later I think), has a bit of visual interest in the front with that little dip, and has straight legs and the least amount of surfaces - among cribs we researched - to collect dust:
The dresser. This was such an easy buy. Although not from the same retailer as the crib, the color is complementary, the legs are straight, and it is a very simple design. We're going to use the top as the changing table and we'll replace the knobs, for now, with the jungle knobs in the picture below the dresser pic:
I found this kick-ass designer on Etsy (called DesignedDESIGNER for anyone who's interested) who does wall decals. This is the one we're using, although we're changing the colors just a bit to be a little closer to the fabric colors. It's not all one piece, so we could put the tree on one wall, an animal on another, etc. It all depends where the furniture will go, so its final wall destination is still a mystery to me:
And finally, here are the fabrics we're using. My mom is going to create all sorts of things - among which include the crib/bed skirt, a bumper that we'll use later on, a valance, and some pillowcases we'll use on the queen bed that will stay in the room for now:
I really like this stuff. Paul still may add a little 3D art to the room, but for the most part, we've figured it out. It's not a designer nursery that you'd see on some fancy HGTV show, but we agreed on everything and it seems like a room that will 'fit' in our home. It's a room a little boy can play in and be comfortable in - not one that has showpieces or furniture that I'd be irritated if it were to be scratched. I see lots of good times and fun play in this room's future!
Let's start with the crib. We like this one because it converts to a full-size bed (like almost all cribs being sold today), it has a solid back (would make a better headboard later I think), has a bit of visual interest in the front with that little dip, and has straight legs and the least amount of surfaces - among cribs we researched - to collect dust:
The dresser. This was such an easy buy. Although not from the same retailer as the crib, the color is complementary, the legs are straight, and it is a very simple design. We're going to use the top as the changing table and we'll replace the knobs, for now, with the jungle knobs in the picture below the dresser pic:
I found this kick-ass designer on Etsy (called DesignedDESIGNER for anyone who's interested) who does wall decals. This is the one we're using, although we're changing the colors just a bit to be a little closer to the fabric colors. It's not all one piece, so we could put the tree on one wall, an animal on another, etc. It all depends where the furniture will go, so its final wall destination is still a mystery to me:
And finally, here are the fabrics we're using. My mom is going to create all sorts of things - among which include the crib/bed skirt, a bumper that we'll use later on, a valance, and some pillowcases we'll use on the queen bed that will stay in the room for now:
I really like this stuff. Paul still may add a little 3D art to the room, but for the most part, we've figured it out. It's not a designer nursery that you'd see on some fancy HGTV show, but we agreed on everything and it seems like a room that will 'fit' in our home. It's a room a little boy can play in and be comfortable in - not one that has showpieces or furniture that I'd be irritated if it were to be scratched. I see lots of good times and fun play in this room's future!
The Text that Sparked Excitement and Anxiety (the good kind)
I was sitting here at my desk today freshly off an IM session with my co-worker - still smiling from our silly banter - when I get a text message on my cell phone. It was from T. All it said was "Only 74 more days." I was all excited thinking about how fast we've gotten to this point! I swear we just did the contracts a little bit ago - or even just saw the first little shrimp shaped embryo on an early ultrasound. It was so exciting to think about it being only 74 days away! Mid-smile I also started feeling that now-familiar feeling of being overwhelmed... like knowing that we have to start (and hopefully finish) the baby's room. Like figuring out just what we need to pack for the trip. Like worrying that the pre-birth order legal work isn't going fast enough. Like wondering about my leave of absence from work. Surely everything will fall into place. I do really well with checklists, so I think tonight I will start writing out the to-do lists. Paul is just going to love this! (yes, extreme sarcasm)
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
An Early Start on Thanksgiving
There is so much to be thankful for that I wanted to get a jump start on it this year.
I am so thankful for my husband. Paul and I are cooking our first Thanksgiving Day meal together this year. I cooked a turkey a few years ago and it just sucked, and Paul has never cooked one. This should be interesting! We're going to brine it and do it the Alton Brown/Good Eats/Food TV guy way, so if it's good, we'll take credit; if it's bad, we'll tell everyone that Alton sucks ;-)
Not only are we doing the turkey, we're making twice baked butternut squash/potatoes, a stuffing that's done in the crockpot, non-dairy green bean casserole, and we are smart enough to buy rolls from the best bread place (Great Harvest Bread Company - I think it's a national chain?), and Costco cranberry sauce. Thasalotta food for five people! Ooops - and I can't forget the two desserts my mom is bringing - a cranberry meringue pie and something apple-y and cobbler-y. Yum. I won't need the tryptophan to be tired after this meal.
The take-away here: I am so grateful to experience new (maybe even good tasting?!) things with Paul. Having someone to share the good and bad things with, the ups and downs with, makes life so much sweeter. I am thankful everyday that we found each other.
I am so thankful for my family and friends. I hate to lump everyone together in one category because there are definitely specific things I can speak to about most. Maybe I'll try to conquer this broad group of people over the next couple of days.
I am also so thankful for T and her family. I've known the entire journey that surrogacy is something that affects more than just the surrogate, but the events of this past weekend leave me feeling even more grateful for the comfort and encouragement she gets from her support system. It must be so scary to see your wife/friend/mom in the hospital and it just makes me think about how much they endure in a journey's lifecycle. For all of this, I am thankful.
My puppies bring me more joy and more frustration than anything else in my life. I have created needy little monsters! Actually, I lump the two of them together, but honestly Starr baby is the best dog ever. I would clone her in a heartbeat. But that little Coco is a troublemaker, messmaker, and stress-causer. I can't complain about when they snuggle, or take naps though.
I am thankful that even though they cause a bit of frustration, they bring so much joy to my life!
I am so thankful for my husband. Paul and I are cooking our first Thanksgiving Day meal together this year. I cooked a turkey a few years ago and it just sucked, and Paul has never cooked one. This should be interesting! We're going to brine it and do it the Alton Brown/Good Eats/Food TV guy way, so if it's good, we'll take credit; if it's bad, we'll tell everyone that Alton sucks ;-)
Not only are we doing the turkey, we're making twice baked butternut squash/potatoes, a stuffing that's done in the crockpot, non-dairy green bean casserole, and we are smart enough to buy rolls from the best bread place (Great Harvest Bread Company - I think it's a national chain?), and Costco cranberry sauce. Thasalotta food for five people! Ooops - and I can't forget the two desserts my mom is bringing - a cranberry meringue pie and something apple-y and cobbler-y. Yum. I won't need the tryptophan to be tired after this meal.
The take-away here: I am so grateful to experience new (maybe even good tasting?!) things with Paul. Having someone to share the good and bad things with, the ups and downs with, makes life so much sweeter. I am thankful everyday that we found each other.
I am so thankful for my family and friends. I hate to lump everyone together in one category because there are definitely specific things I can speak to about most. Maybe I'll try to conquer this broad group of people over the next couple of days.
I am also so thankful for T and her family. I've known the entire journey that surrogacy is something that affects more than just the surrogate, but the events of this past weekend leave me feeling even more grateful for the comfort and encouragement she gets from her support system. It must be so scary to see your wife/friend/mom in the hospital and it just makes me think about how much they endure in a journey's lifecycle. For all of this, I am thankful.
My puppies bring me more joy and more frustration than anything else in my life. I have created needy little monsters! Actually, I lump the two of them together, but honestly Starr baby is the best dog ever. I would clone her in a heartbeat. But that little Coco is a troublemaker, messmaker, and stress-causer. I can't complain about when they snuggle, or take naps though.
I am thankful that even though they cause a bit of frustration, they bring so much joy to my life!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
The Almost All-Clear
The update in a nutshell:
T went from the Emergency Room to Labor and Delivery last night so they could monitor the baby. Everything seemed to be fine with both of them, although T has some muscle aches today from shivering so much at the onset of all of this.
She is now out of the hospital and feeling ok. Her job today is to relax and supervise her husband while he helps a friend move and get set up in the friend's new apartment.
THANK GOD!! We were so worried about her and Caleb.
If I look at this situation as a training exercize, I completely failed. When I learned she was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital, I froze. Literally froze. Paul said he had a million scenarios running through his head. I had none. I just sat there completely still with tears forming in my eyes, but no instincts took over.
I look back at how my mom and dad handled emergencies when I was a kid. The one that specifically comes to mind is when I broke my wrist. My mom took me to the hospital and between the doctors and my dad (who met us there), they had everything under control. I don't remember anything but my mom being as solid as a rock. The story I rememeber from after the fact is that she lost it AFTER everything was under control, but I don't remember that/maybe didn't see that. She made sure I was taken care of before her fear showed through. That's exactly the way I want to be. Maybe it just takes practice. I was thinking that maybe it comes with being a parent, but I know parents who freak out in front of their kids so that theory is blown to hell!
I cannot write something clever, witty or entertaining right now. I can only assure you that this was the scariest moment to date.
T went from the Emergency Room to Labor and Delivery last night so they could monitor the baby. Everything seemed to be fine with both of them, although T has some muscle aches today from shivering so much at the onset of all of this.
She is now out of the hospital and feeling ok. Her job today is to relax and supervise her husband while he helps a friend move and get set up in the friend's new apartment.
THANK GOD!! We were so worried about her and Caleb.
If I look at this situation as a training exercize, I completely failed. When I learned she was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital, I froze. Literally froze. Paul said he had a million scenarios running through his head. I had none. I just sat there completely still with tears forming in my eyes, but no instincts took over.
I look back at how my mom and dad handled emergencies when I was a kid. The one that specifically comes to mind is when I broke my wrist. My mom took me to the hospital and between the doctors and my dad (who met us there), they had everything under control. I don't remember anything but my mom being as solid as a rock. The story I rememeber from after the fact is that she lost it AFTER everything was under control, but I don't remember that/maybe didn't see that. She made sure I was taken care of before her fear showed through. That's exactly the way I want to be. Maybe it just takes practice. I was thinking that maybe it comes with being a parent, but I know parents who freak out in front of their kids so that theory is blown to hell!
I cannot write something clever, witty or entertaining right now. I can only assure you that this was the scariest moment to date.
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